By Ruth Burke
The birth of my third child changed my life.
It would be nice to follow that statement with some lovely thoughts about what a blessing children are, and how wonderful it is to be mother.
While it is true that my children are a blessing and being a mother is a wonderful, beautiful thing, the reality is that in the months immediately following her birth my life turned upside down in a way that that did not feel like a blessing. I was thrown back 14 years and I suddenly found myself experiencing emotions that have laid dormant since my first year of college. Let me explain.
In the summer of 2002, as a new high school graduate, I was floating on a cloud. I was proud of my academic achievements, my extra curricular activities and my involvement in our local church. As I moved into my college dorm I was certain that I would have the same success in college that I had experienced in high school. I was feeling good about myself. A little too good.
Fall of my freshman year I was overwhelmed and challenged in a way I had never been before.
I loved my AP biology course in high school, so first semester freshman year I confidently enrolled in an introductory biology course. I quickly discovered that I would have to apply myself harder than I ever had in high school. In fact, despite my best efforts at studying, I nearly failed my first exam.
My best just wasn’t good enough.
To top it off, everyone around me seemed to have life figured out. Not only were many of my classmates excelling academically, a quick conversation revealed many “hidden” talents. I felt like I had nothing to contribute. I started to question whether I had anything to offer my friends, my school, or the world.
Similarly, before the birth of my third child, I was feeling confident about myself and about life. I’m a very type A person, so I had a schedule that we adhered to fairly strictly. I had figured out how to get my two children out of the house quickly – in time for me to make it to a 9:30 gym class twice a week (this, by the way, is no small feat when you have to wrangle two poky, protesting kids out of the house and buckle them both into their car seats). I was homeschooling my oldest daughter in pre-k, and after a rocky start (for both of us!) she was finally doing well. I was involved in church activities, I had a regular cleaning and cooking schedule that kept our house (relatively) clean and fresh wholesome food on the table, and I was even pursing personal hobbies by taking some sewing classes. Life was good!
When the baby was born it felt like everything came to a screeching halt. Even after we got through the intense newborn phase I found myself feeling overwhelmed and underwater. We had no schedule, no routines. My house seemed messier than ever. Cooking was tiring, and forget about sewing. Homeschooling? I was flying by the seat of my pants. Everyone around me seemed to have life figured out and I wondered what I was missing.
Then I remembered the lessons God showed me my freshman year.
I never had it all together – those feelings came from pride. Part of my problem was that I was trying to do it all myself. I wasn’t praying the way I needed to be – I wasn’t pouring my heart out to the Lord and asking Him to help me. I was doing it all with an “I got this” prideful attitude and so when there was even the smallest bump in the road I quickly and easily toppled off my high horse.
The bible encourages us to pray about everything, and to be humble (Philippians 4:6-7; James 4:6). We are reminded that we have all the strength we need when we lean on the Lord (Philippians 4:13). Not only that, but if we are drawing our strength from God, and living our lives in a way that pleases Him, we are less shaken by the winds of life (Jeremiah 17:8;Mathew 7:24-27).
God provides the strength and wisdom we need to get through each day, week, month and year. He alone brings peace to the chaos of our minds. When I started trusting Him with my burdens, I suddenly found the peace I was looking for.
I still don’t have it figured out, but I’ve learned that I don’t need to. I just need Him! Back in my freshman year of college, I found that once I started centering my life on Him, my outlook on life changed. By the grace of God my academics improved and I also met my husband, the love of my life. Now, as a stay at home mom, I know that when I’m leaning on Him, I have peace even when all the dishes aren’t washed, all the laundry isn’t folded, and it feels like my baby has spent the whole day screaming at me. Only a great God can do that!!