Welcome back! We’ve enjoyed our summer rest and are excited to get back to regular blogging. During our break, I had the opportunity to hear a bit of feedback on topics yet to be covered.  Chief among those topics is the subject of women in the church. We are getting there.

But before we leave our discussion of women in marriage and family, one person did ask me to say more about what submission is positively.  She also urged me to give a personal example.

I hesitate in this. I am aware of the danger of making a norm out of my own personal experience. Paul’s and Peter’s command is to submit to your own husband (Ephesians 5:22, and 1 Peter 3:1).  Each husband is different and that means submission may look like something very different for one wife than for another.  When Bill and I counsel couples considering engagement, we ask them questions about their ideas of the roles of men and women to make sure they are on the same page.  If a woman is considering marriage to a man who envisions submission in a way she doesn’t agree with, she has the option to say she doesn’t think that is God’s will for her life.  If they marry, they have agreed to constrain themselves (or hope the other will change his or her mind) to some extent to what they agreed together. Perhaps she doesn’t believe submission of wives is for our time, but he does.  We would advise that it is an important incompatibility and they should not marry until they can come to agreement. We would not try to impose our thinking on them, but to caution them against marriage if there are significant theological disagreements on their future roles.

But what does submission mean for me in my own marriage?  I have spent some time thinking about that question, and I also asked my husband, Bill. His opinion was that it has meant cultivating a disposition to love, respect and serve him and our children.  Before we married I clearly understood what I was saying yes to. I was saying yes to being his helper.

Sometimes that broad “helper” perspective played out in a division of labor in our marriage.  For instance, I knew from the outset that I was agreeing to take on the greater share of cooking, childcare and education of our children.  He took the greater share of provision for us as a family. We have both been involved in all of those tasks and spheres, but there has always been a difference, particularly since we began having children. It has adjusted year to year, depending on the weight of work responsibilities on each of us.  We took care to try to equalize our total workloads, comprised of outside employment, housework and childcare, particularly so that I would not fall prey to working a “second shift.”

I always wanted to be a wife and mother.  When I was a little child, I am told someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a mommy.  They asked if my older sister also wanted to be a mommy and I candidly said no. There wasn’t any pressure on either me or my sister to be mothers, but we both have delighted to have the privilege of motherhood.  When Bill and I agreed together what our roles would look like, my future role was very much in harmony with my heart’s desire.

Even so, I had additional aspirations.  As I came of age in the 70’s, I planned for other possible careers.  After two years of being pre-med at college, I realized that medicine was not for me.  I was in ROTC in college, commissioned as an officer when I graduated. I briefly considered being in the Army full-time, but chose to go into the Army Reserve in order to get married to Bill.  Marrying Bill truly changed my life direction, because we planned to enter Christian ministry together. My first Army assignment would have taken me to Arizona for training, followed by three years posted to a location to be determined by the Army.  This did not seem compatible with getting married and moving to attend seminary. This was not a painful decision for me to make. I made it freely, not under pressure, and I have never regretted my choice. Occasionally I have moments when I want individual recognition – to be able to draw attention to something I accomplished by myself in the world.  My mentors in ROTC thought I could have achieved a high rank had I entered the regular Army. That is a possibility I gave up when I chose to become my husband’s helper. My interest in both of those careers, however brief, did reflect my desire for helping people (medicine) and for leadership (Army). Both of those desires have also found fulfillment in the work of ministry, leading and teaching young women and leading and teaching my children.

In my marriage, submission has also meant a high degree of teamwork.  It means we talk about how we spend our time, and I don’t make commitments for my time without consulting Bill.  In fairness to him, he doesn’t make unilateral time commitments either. Bill is more naturally attuned to teamwork.  I am more inclined to make quick unilateral decisions and to realize afterward that I should have delayed the decision until we could decide together.  I like to get things done and working as a team slows task accomplishment down! This is one way I am learning to submit which is less natural for me, but learning to consult before moving forward has helped me make wiser decisions and to grow in Christian character.

To sum up – submission for me has meant choosing the career path of wife, mother and partner in Christian ministry. Submission has meant working as a team instead of working as an individual. Some of you will feel sorry for me, but I truly do not feel sorry for myself.  If you have been reading our blog from the start, you will remember an early post was about teamwork..  More recently, I wrote about the profound teaching impact that a submissive wife can have to the world, teaching the right relationship that all human beings need to have toward God.  That is a teaching message for the whole world, not just for women. When I look back on my life so far, I feel deep satisfaction that I have modeled working with other people in loving partnership which I believe is biblical, and that I have modeled loving submission to God.  Both have led to a sense of fulfillment and freedom to be the best person I am designed to be by my loving Father.