I began teaching on the biblical passages about women and men over 30 years ago. As I worked my way through books and commentaries on the passages, two passages – Titus 2:3-5 and Proverbs 31: 10-33 – seemed particularly relevant to the topic of mothers and work. Titus 2:3-5 reads:
“In the same way, older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not slaves to excessive drinking. They are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, workers at home, kind, and in submission to their husbands, so that God’s word will not be slandered.”
In Titus, Paul tells older women to teach younger women to be “workers at home” (one word in the Greek). In 1990, when I was in the thick of raising children, working in ministry, and trying to decide how to teach this passage, there was a lot of debate about this one Greek word, ranging from “Did it simply mean that women should not be lazy?” all the way to “Does Paul prohibit women from work or careers outside of the home?” I landed somewhere in the middle, for which I took criticism from both sides! I was sure God commanded moms to be faithfully loving their husbands and children, but I also felt God does not prohibit them from work beyond serving their families. Full time stay at home moms were critical of me for not teaching that mothers of young children belonged in the home full time. Mothers with careers and who paid for childcare often felt I was too restrictive. Nevertheless, I stuck to teaching both the importance and joy of childrearing with the flexibility to combine it with outside employment.
I made that judgement because I combined the command from Titus with the description of the “Proverbs 31 woman.” Whenever we study the Bible it is important not to isolate versus but to read it in the context of both the particular passage and book within which it is located as well as the entirety of Scripture on the topic. Notice particularly verses 16, 18 and 24 of Proverbs 31 This woman is involved in profitable business.
10 Who can find a wife of noble character?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will not lack anything good.
12 She rewards him with good, not evil,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from far away.
15 She rises while it is still night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her female servants.
16 She evaluates a field and buys it;
she plants a vineyard with her earnings.
17 She draws on her strength
and reveals that her arms are strong.
18 She sees that her profits are good,
and her lamp never goes out at night.
19 She extends her hands to the spinning staff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 Her hands reach out to the poor,
and she extends her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid for her household when it snows,
for all in her household are doubly clothed.
22 She makes her own bed coverings;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known at the city gates,
where he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes and sells linen garments;
she delivers belts to the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing,
and she can laugh at the time to come.
26 Her mouth speaks wisdom,
and loving instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the activities of her household
and is never idle.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also praises her:
29 “Many women have done noble deeds,
but you surpass them all!”
30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.
31 Give her the reward of her labor,
and let her works praise her at the city gates. (Christian Standard Bible)
My understanding of the Proverbs 31 woman is not that we must all do exactly as she does, but that God is showing His blessing on all of her activities. Therefore, a mother does not HAVE to engage in business ventures, but she MAY work for profit outside her home. There is freedom to make choices for our own happiness and the good of our families.
The key in both passages is an overall sense that mothers are to care well for their families and serve others, which involves God-honoring/people-serving work, paid or unpaid.
Fifteen years after I began teaching on these passages, I attended a lecture given by Steven Rhoads on the differences between men and women. I went believing I would dislike his message, since I generally am concerned about too much typecasting of what is masculine and what is feminine. But I remember how much Rhoads was motivated by what actually makes mothers (and children) happy. Rhoads, to my knowledge, is not a Christian believer but he had spent 10 years researching differences between men and women, and fathers and mothers in particular. What he reported was that statistically speaking the happiest moms are part-time workers. The second happiest are full time stay at home moms. The least happy are full time workers. Of course, there are many people who don’t match the statistics, and statistics report averages and generalizations. But it is still notable that Rhoads reported that the majority of moms want to have a high level of involvement with their children, but are happiest when they can combine child rearing with some form of “family-friendly” outside work. That sounds to me just like the Proverbs 31 woman!
Proverbs 31 allows mothers to work outside their homes and Titus 2 commands them to love their husbands and children. Those are both broad ideas with a lot of room to carry them out in individual ways. We are not so good at allowing each other to live differently than we are convicted we must live. Thus I experienced criticism for my teaching. Truthfully, I felt internal criticism also before I began to teach and incur criticism from my students. I had somehow internalized the belief that I should be a full-time stay-at-home mom, but our financial realities meant that I had to work part-time. Because my husband was in seminary when I had my first child, I had to work to help pay our bills. By the grace of God, I had a part-time job to which I could bring my baby. When Bill graduated, we were both hired as campus ministers. He was hired full time and I was hired part-time. For years I labored part-time and enjoyed my work, but had feelings of guilt that I wasn’t full time at home, complicated by my enjoyment of the work I was doing! I felt this, even though my children got a lot of attention from both of us and were generally thriving. When I began to teach these passages in the early 90’s, I realized there was not a problem with my work. And in 2005, when I heard Steven Rhoads, I had a further epiphany: God had gifted me a wonderful life – a family and a family-friendly career!
How many women are struggling with guilt because they think the Scriptures prohibit mothers from outside work? Many of us for financial reasons don’t have a choice NOT to work. They are still wonderful mothers. And conversely, how many women are feeling disrespected because they want to be home with their children? They are still using their gifts and contributing to society. We must see that the Bible commands us to take care of our families but does not give us a strict recipe for how to do that. Ruth is going to talk in the next post about ways to think about our individual choices and priorities.