In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live when they observe your pure, reverent lives. Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry, but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God also adorned themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You have become her children when you do what is good and do not fear any intimidation. (1 Peter 3:1-6)
It isn’t just Paul that commands wives to submit. Here in 1 Peter 3:1-6, another apostle, Peter, uses the very same word commanding wives to submit themselves to their husbands. So what does submission mean? The Greek word in both passages means “to arrange under,”” to submit oneself.” (see The Blue Letter Bible) It is a compound word. The first part of the word indicates where the wife places herself: under. The second part of it is what Rob Plummer calls a verb of reciprocity , or a verb involving two parties which leads to a translation of “to place or arrange with respect one to another”. The two parts in combination describe a wife willingly arranging herself under her husband. In Genesis 2:18, God specifies that He is making the woman as a helper to the man, which means we can also understand submission as a wife arranging herself as a helper to her husband.
In our study of Ephesians 5:22-33, I wrote previously that wives are to submit to their “own” husbands. This means submission (or being a helper) for one wife might look different than for another wife. We are not “generic” or “one size fits all” wives, and we do not marry generic husbands. Each wife should submit to, and follow, her own husband. However, I also wrote in that post that submission does not mean following our husbands into actions or lives of disobedience to God. For biblical proof of the limits of human authority, I encourage you to read a passage like Acts 3 and 4, or Exodus 1.
What does Peter add in this passage to give more definition of what is meant by submission of wives to husbands? First he makes reference to pure and reverent lives. A wife submits by living a holy life. The word “reverent” (a synonym would be “respectful”) is talking about her reverence toward God, but it also is likely talking about treating her husband with respect. That concurs with Ephesians 5:33 where wives are commanded to respect their husbands.
Second, he urges wives to cultivate an inward beauty rather than focusing on outward beauty. This again is something which is pleasing to God as well as beneficial to her husband. He specifies that this inward beauty is characterized by gentleness and quietness of spirit, and by trust in God. Practically, holy character and inward beauty manifest outwardly in gentleness and humility, expressed in both words and deeds.
Third, he gives Sarah, the Old Testament wife of Abraham (you can read about their lives in Genesis 11-22), as an example. If you know the story of Sarah, you know that Sarah was both submissive and strong. She demonstrated her submission in multiple ways. One of the biggest ways she demonstrated submission was in following her husband, Abraham, when he was called by God out of their familiar and relatively modern home country, Ur, to go into uncharted land. This meant living in a tent on land they did not own until their deaths. That was an extraordinary leap of faith for both of them and required great respect and submission from Sarah. But in addition to following her husband, we also see her speaking up. She pressed Abraham to action to provide her with a son because she was barren. Subsequently she asked him to send Hagar and Ishmael away. Despite the fact that these were not “godly” plans, God told Abraham to listen to her in Genesis 21:12. Sarah is an interesting example of submission because she manifests a whole life orientation of walking alongside her husband while also not erasing or suppressing her own mind, will and wisdom. Yet in all of this Peter says she obeyed Abraham and called him “lord.”
Peter’s reference to Sarah demonstrates that submission will sometimes mean obedience, but it also allows wives to think independently and influence their husbands with their wisdom. And that is just what Peter is advocating in these six verses – wives submitting respectfully to their husbands by following God and their husbands in true holiness of character that is subsequently influential upon their husbands. This is a tough balancing act to be sure, but leaves us as wives with crucial decision-making power as fully moral agents and responsible followers of Jesus. Submission is not being a puppet, but a helper. The specifics of submission will vary from marriage to marriage but it always involves agency and responsibility on the part of the wife. The complexity of Sarah’s story shows us these aspects of submission. It is not merely following orders. It is worked out in varied ways in varied situations.
For those who struggle with Ephesians 5:22-33, turning to 1 Peter 3:1-6 presents an even greater challenge to trust in the Bible. Ephesians 5 commands the wife to submit. However, more attention in that passage is given to the sacrificial love of the husband for his wife. The context of the passage in Ephesians is a letter to a church community which instructs whole families following Jesus, and places these relationships within the Christian community, where a mistreated wife might find care and guidance from fellow believers.
In 1 Peter 3:1-6, Peter gives the same command to wives: “submit yourselves to your own husbands.” Peter, however, writes of the possible situation of a husband who “disobeys the word.” What does he mean by this? It could mean a husband who is not a believer in Jesus, which would be a real possibility in the 1st century AD. In the first century, Christianity was being preached for the first time and marriages between believers and unbelievers were a definite possibility if a wife heard the Gospel and converted but her husband did not. It could also mean a husband who professed faith in Christ, but did not live it out. This might not be obvious in public, but it would be easily seen in private life, especially among close family members. Disobeying the word could range from failure to lead the family spiritually to additional forms of abuse and neglect. We just don’t know. Whatever the situation, having a husband who disobeys the word represents a frightening and potentially dangerous position for a Christian wife. My gut reaction is to ask how Peter can command wives of men who “disobey the word” to submit to their husbands.
In our 21st century, a marriage between a godly wife and an ungodly husband is still a very real possibility for many reasons. The gospel is still breaking ground all over the world, and one spouse may respond with faith while the other does not. Two professing Christians might marry and one might fall away. Or in our foolishness, we might fall in love with and choose to marry an unbeliever, hoping they will one day come around. The reason for the situation is less important than figuring out how to live a life pleasing to the Lord in the midst of the challenge it creates.
Submission of wives to ungodly husbands is a frightening situation. This is why my trust in God’s word must fight against my gut reaction. Peter urges us in verse 6 to trust God and his word. God is a good God. His goodness does not mean that his children will not suffer or be in peril. The passage begins with “in the same way.” I look to chapter 2 to discover to what Peter is referring for comparison. He is probably referring both to citizens and to slaves in 2:13 and 2:18, and in the case of slaves, he teaches them to submit even to cruel masters. But he is referring most closely to 2:21-25 which speaks of the suffering which Jesus Christ endured unjustly at the hands of human authorities. This suffering had a redemptive purpose – it brought salvation to the whole world. In parallel Peter is suggesting that the submission and possible suffering of a godly wife might bring salvation to her ungodly spouse (or of a godly slave to their ungodly master).
God is not sadistic: He is grieved when His servants suffer but He can bring good out of evil and injustice. One way that God brings good out of evil is supported by Romans 12:17-13:7, where God uses government and the church to help deal with evildoers. Here is the USA, our government has laws to prohibit spousal and child abuse. This is a blessing! God both wants his Church and ordains the government to defend the mistreated and the oppressed. I believe there is still room for the wife to treat the husband with respect even while protecting herself and her children from repeated harm. When this happens, God witnesses to the abusive husband through concerned action against his harmful behavior with the goal of his repentance. There are other places in the world where protection against spousal and child abuse is not provided by law. In these places we take comfort in Hebrews 11:32-38, which tells us to trust and obey God in spite of suffering and terrible outcomes. And God is raising up people in many of these countries to organize for the purpose of rescue and protection of vulnerable women and children. In the case where a wife’s life (or her children’s life) is in danger or her husband is using his authority to force her to commit criminal or harmful acts, we should apply Acts 5:29, where our greater allegiance is to Christ rather than a husband or the laws of the country we live in. In these cases we would council the wife to separate from her husband if that is possible until such a time as he truly repents and they can be reconciled (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
Sometimes following the Lord can be very difficult, but we are called to trust and follow Him. I heard a story from a North African Christian three years ago at a women’s conference in Europe, chronicling the redemptive suffering of one of God’s children. It was the story of a severely abused wife. In her country, there were no laws to protect her. Her family provided no help and she was not yet a believer with a church community to which to turn. Despite the suffering endured because of lack of these protections, our good God brought good from evil. This long-suffering, seemingly powerless wife came to know God in the midst of her trial and led her abusive husband to the Lord by caring for him in sickness until his death by cancer. This wife, in following Christ, proved God’s words in 1 Peter 3:1-6. She walked the same path as our Savior. We may not always understand His ways, but we are called to follow Him.