Growing up, I had an aunt who was prosperous and generous. My family was not prosperous. When we would visit my aunt, or she would visit us, she would treat us to a meal out, which was always something special for us. Somehow our relationship with her became distorted by the financial imbalance and the sense that if we didn’t behave obsequiously enough, these acts of generosity would evaporate. My mother would always urge us children to thank her profusely, which had the effect on me of making the act of giving thanks insincere. And because no one in the extended family wanted my aunt’s generosity to go away, everyone tried to humor her. My aunt would say unkind and bigoted things, and no one would resist or confront her. Yet, behind her back, they would acknowledge that she was using her money as leverage over others. Resentment grew, and the relationships became more distorted. Saying thank you and silently putting up with dysfunctional behavior became associated in my mind.
When Bill and I became parents, our family was living on a tight budget, though God provided everything we needed. But again, it was the generosity of others which provided some of the special events of our lives. Because of my history, I did not push my children to what seemed to me as a dutiful giving of thanks when generous relatives and friends blessed us. Eventually, someone took me aside and rebuked me for not teaching my children to say thank you. They were right. Saying thank you is a critical lesson for parents to teach children. Being thankful is a critical posture for us as human beings, toward others and toward God. Psychologists observe that giving thanks can make people happier (Giving thanks can make you happier). Anecdotally, I see how much happier I am when I say thank you. When I begin enumerating God’s blessings to myself, I suddenly see so many ways He has poured out mercy and love on my life. Psalm 103:2 tells us to “bless the LORD … and forget not all his benefits” and then goes on to point out his mercies to us. It’s biblical to give thanks and it is good for our mental health!
What does it do for our relationships to others? I now say thank you for a lot more than even my mother would have encouraged. I thank people for doing chores that they should do, because it seems like we can help others to find joy in service rather than lose heart that their work doesn’t matter. Saying thank you helps me to view them more and more positively, and reminds me of how they bless my life just by being present. If I ever have to speak up about their behavior, saying thank you regularly (as well as expressing love and affirmation regularly) assures them that I care about them. My rebuke has more of a chance of being seen as an expression of love rather than a judgmental attack. I say thank you more widely now – people with little ability to give monetarily give in other ways which ought to be seen and acknowledged as well. We should be wary of how clouded our vision can become around the issue of money.
Giving thanks humbles us by highlighting our need and dependence on others. It trains our hearts to recognize blessings. Eventually that humility also trains us to be more giving ourselves. I have learned so much about generosity by watching and thanking generous people. The Bible says it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). But that is not a denial of the fundamental truth that unless we receive from the Lord and receive with humble thanks, there is no health or life in us at all. The capacity to give arises from receiving, as John tells us: “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)