In rapid succession this past weekend I saw two posts on Facebook – one an article from the Atlantic and another a post of a friend – advocating for eliminating the input of negative friends in our lives.
The article was by Arthur Brooks from May 2021, (https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/05/happiness-end-pandemic-start-over/618870/), which he wrote as the isolation of the pandemic was coming to a close. I generally like reading Arthur Brooks. For some reason this almost-four-year-old article came into my Facebook feed this weekend. His overall point was that the interruption to all normal communities and routines should make us think about what we want to include in our lives going forward before resuming everything from before the pandemic. He urged us to honestly evaluate what about our pre-pandemic lives we actually disliked, and who, and to consider eliminating them from our post-pandemic lives. Similarly, he advised including in our lives things we discovered during the pandemic that brought joy, for which we had not made time before. To a certain extent, I agree. I had a conversation with my brother during the pandemic in which we both expressed that we believed God was asking his people to “reset” as a result of the crisis, but we were thinking more about losing some of our selfish focus that had abounded in prosperity and gaining more of God’s perspective and purpose for our lives. Brooks seemed to be advocating for a more self-centered focus: what makes ME unhappy (get rid of it if possible) and what makes ME happy (go for more of that!).
Both posts (Brooks and my friend) highlighted the impact of negative aspects of our lives and negative people. To be sure, some adverse elements of our lives are not necessary to retain. And with regard to people, the “Debbie Downers” of our lives can deplete our energy for living with positive purpose. But should we eliminate them from our lives? It is true that God is not positive about our culture of complaint. When I was reading the book of Numbers back in my homeschooling days, you may be horrified to know that I used some of the stories in that book to teach my children that God disciplines complainers! I’m not sure I would say quite the same thing to my children if I had it to do over. But the biblical record is still there, and the prophets often confronted Israel for complaining, for failing to see God’s care, for failing to thank Him and trust Him. More generally, God confronted his people with prophets whose messages were often negative. They delivered expressions of God’s anger and sorrow, and warnings of judgement if they did not repent from their sin. Those words “sin” and “repent” are so negative! But the New Testament sounds a very similar note: Jesus’s message was encapsulated by Mark as “Repent! For the Kingdom of God is at hand.”
There are consequences for refusing to receive any negative messaging. We have to learn to be discerning about what negative messaging is destructive and what is constructive. God’s negative confrontation of us is for our good, so that we will choose life. Human confrontation, if it follows truth, can also be for our good. But sadly, no fallen human always delivers truth in their words and actions. So it is not a simple thing to figure out who are the people to unfollow and who are the ones to follow. Psalm 1 does give us a rubric of wisdom.
Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
4 The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.
5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
6 for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.
From reading the whole psalm, we understand we should not be taking our counsel from those who scoff at God, because the writer affirms that the wise person meditates on God’s law day and night. But even those who love God’s laws are prone to selfishness and complaint at times. They need rebuke or correction! And sometimes that rebuke comes from unlikely sources, like Balaam’s donkey, well outside of my “tribe.”
I will not be unfollowing negative voices. Of course, there are voices which oppose God and degrade people which I don’t choose to listen to in my life. But there are a broad range of perspectives out there which are aimed at human flourishing. I never know which sources will be the ones that help me see something I need to see. I am continuing to read books and articles and listen to podcasts from a wide range of perspectives. I know that my vantage point is limited and most often my own sins are the hardest ones to see clearly. Because God has promised to “guide me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake,” I trust Him to give me discernment for how to receive what is good which will grow me into the image of Jesus, and on the other hand reject what is mistaken and will lead me away from true life. Particularly friends who God has brought into my life, however different from me, are worth hearing out. I consider it an act of love for them to speak to me, and sometimes the greatest act of human love is a word of rebuke. So speak out! You might be wrong, but I do think interaction is better than elimination.