One thing I have tried to do during Covid19 is sort the stuff in my home. This has NOT been a disciplined endeavor! But, I have embarked on a project: Shred After Reading! I am reading my old journals with the intent to shred them.
I have long realized that I generally write journals for several reasons. Occasionally, when we go on a lovely trip, I write to remember the events of the trip. For many years, I journaled my responses to Bible reading. It was an attempt at better retention. I also journaled my prayers, and it was remarkable how that helped me to see God’s answers. I am a very forgetful Christian. I pray things, and then forget about them. But when next I open my prayer journal, I am surprised and delighted to see that God answered my prayers. These journals are not the target of my project!
I also have processed emotions in my journals, most often very negative emotions. Judging from my journals I have not had many happy days! I generally wrote when I was unhappy. I don’t want these journals read after I am gone by anyone. For a long time I have wondered if I should read them before shredding and recently I have concluded that I should. Since embarking on rereading these particular journals, I have had some epiphanic moments with them.
One epiphany has been the corrosive effect of unhealthy comparison upon my mental, emotional and spiritual health. Thus far, I have read a journal I kept from 1987-1988. I was a relatively young Christian mom in those days, with two children, aged 4 and 2. I had some examples I looked up to for a model of godly Christian womanhood. Two of those women were very productive, visible examples of service to God, in teaching, in hospitality, in witness, and in service. I would still say these two women were truly godly. But as I emulated them, I put too much pressure on myself to have their gifts and callings, and to have their level of Christian maturity. Although I had some of their gifts, I also had different ones. I was also younger in the faith, and had different life circumstances. Nevertheless, I relentlessly tried to duplicate them, but ultimately failed. Inwardly, that made me feel very critical of myself, and unsure of God because He wasn’t empowering me to be like them. Eventually, I deteriorated into criticism of them, as a means of feeling better about myself. It took me a long time to grow out of that criticism and resume celebrating the way God has used these two women in the lives of many.
What would I say to my 30 year old self? It sounds trite perhaps, but I would remind myself that God made me with different gifts and callings. I was not required by God to produce what they produced. Their value as godly examples should have been simply to urge me to love God and love neighbor, but the specifics of what that looks like in our lives are different for us all. My house does not have to look like theirs, nor my cooking taste like theirs, nor my role in my church or neighborhood be exactly like theirs. I would urge my 30 year old self to consider the calling and responsibilities of her present situation, and seek to do those cheerfully, even if imperfectly. I would also tell her that I yelled at my kids a lot when I was her age, that I was perplexed by how bad my kids were, and that I often felt like a complete failure. Not to be entirely negative, I would testify that one thing I did right was to apologize and ask my family members for forgiveness. My children were very forgiving. They look back on our home as a happy one. I would tell her to take heart! What looked bleak and incomprehensible to me at 30, now looks sweet! I think a few kind words from a wise counselor could have helped to free me from such high expectations. Striving to be godly matters, but a gracious measure with room for my uniqueness would have given hope amidst the fallen imperfections of any family’s life.
It’s possible someone did say these words and I didn’t believe them. But fortunately God was there, too, working in often unseen ways. Bill and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary on May 31. I wrote something for my children about our vows. I shared with them some of what I had written in my journals. They were surprised by what they heard! Again, they remember our family more positively than my journals record. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote for them:
“Once again, my journals help me see how frail Dad and I were. We were not unusually wicked people and we had lots of good intentions and qualities. But it would not have been sufficient to carry us through 40 years. I feel sure of that.
God’s grace has been sufficient, He has never left us or forsaken us. There is an enigmatic verse in Ecclesiastes 4 which I think could be about God’s help in human relationships. It’s a passage about two people being better than one. But right at the end, it mentions a third strand of a cord.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
I believe God is that third strand. It is important to give credit where credit is due. I am not trying to be falsely humble when I give God the credit ultimately for the strength and joy of our marriage. I am telling the truth. To God be the glory.”
Back to the present – seeing the effect of comparisons on my life in 1987 reminds me to resist falling into the same trap today. I might compare my response to Covid19 and berate myself for not being more cheerful and industrious, or on my more active days, I might be proud. Instead, I want to start each day asking the Lord to help me to love Him and the people on my path today.