One year ago I could not have imagined where I am today. One year ago I was standing at the beginning of what felt like a very long, dark tunnel.
Five months after the birth of my third daughter, I was adjusting to my new normal. I didn’t know it at the time but I had postpartum depression, which would stay with me for over a year. I was experiencing constant pain during breastfeeding due to tongue and lip ties, a relatively rare, often genetic condition that can lead to difficulty nursing. My daughter also had reflux, which meant that she screamed every time I tried to put her in any kind of baby carrier or wrap because the slumped position aggravated her condition. Furthermore, she had intestinal colitis, so I was avoiding all dairy (one of my favorite food groups).
I was just starting homeschooling my oldest daughter in kindergarten and that was NOT going well. In addition, my husband and I had recently founded a company and our expenses far, far, exceeded our income (which was nearly zero) so paying for regular dates, babysitting help, or anything much beyond basic necessities was a stretch.
In this very dark place the Lord kept me. It was my relationship with Him, pouring my heart out to Him over the long months that kept me.
“5Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near.
6Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable – if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy – dwell on these things.” Philippians 4:5-8
I was encouraged by the end of verse five last year. Right before Paul tells us not to be anxious he reminds us that the Lord is near. This brings to mind Psalm 145:18. “The Lord is near to all who call out to him, all who call out to him with integrity.” God is not a distant God, uncaring of my suffering! He is a near God, one I can call out to and be assured that He hears. In addition to encouraging me in prayer, this reminder brings hope, comfort, and assurance.
I prayed, and the Lord heard my cries. He healed me of my depression. He healed Eliana from her reflux and intestinal colitis. He answered my prayers that she would not have a dairy sensitivity or allergy. The breastfeeding pain I was experiencing a year ago resolved when Eliana was about 6 months old. She breastfed for over a year, which was something I really wanted to do and a huge milestone for us given how hard it was as the beginning! I have much to be thankful for!
The encouragement to pray “with thanksgiving” in verse six has been something I am growing in. I have found that when I am thankful to the Lord for what He has done for me it helps change my perspective on what I am going through.
After these beautiful instructions on prayer, Paul goes right into a reminder of what we should think about. After I bring my anxieties before the Lord and let go of them, after I pour out my heart before Him (Ps 62:8), I should fill my mind with what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable.
Despite all the Lord has brought me through, things are not all better. Our company is still in its nascent stages so our finances are extremely tight. This is hard, given that the holiday season is upon us. Homeschooling is going better but it’s a day by day journey. When anxieties about our finances or my ability as a teacher try to creep in, after I’ve poured out my heart to the Lord (and I have been totally honest and raw with Him), I remind myself of the good things God has done and I spend time in worship praising Him. This brings a deep peace to my heart and soul.
This holiday season I am thankful for God’s goodness to me. He delivered me from the darkness I was in last year. Although everything in my life is not a bed of roses, I rejoice at His faithfulness and enduring love. I try to dwell on these things. May you too, in the midst of whatever you are going through, experience the nearness of His presence and His faithful love this holiday season. As you pour out your heart to him with thanksgiving and dwell on pure, lovely, and praiseworthy things may you experience His peace in your heart. Happy Thanksgiving!