I ask myself this often. I pause today, as I consider the topics Ruth and I want to tackle in the next weeks, like work, family and the Church.
There are many good books on women and men to read from a diversity of perspectives. One book I recently read is by Kathleen Nielson, call Women and God. I highly recommend her book. Nielson relies on scholars who have already written more exhaustively to interpret the biblical passages, and she uses her pages to talk more about some of the complicated issues that arise from trying to live as complementarians in today’s world. In many ways, Ruth and I are doing something similar, but we are writing blog posts (long blog posts!) instead of the longer format of a book. Someday, we hope to collect what we have written into a book, but for now we feel this is the writing we can fit into our lives and perhaps this is the length of writing some of you have time to read and digest.
If there are good books and blogs already out there, why waste more ink on this topic? I imagine some readers might think this is a side topic, and a favorite side topic of Christians, distracting us from other weighty concerns which we ought to have. So why continue to write about gender roles?
First God uses gender roles within marriage to unify a team comprised of diverse but equal members carrying out beautiful diverse tasks. Our sameness or common humanity unifies us. The sameness of being equal image bearers of the Living God enables fellowship. We are all drawn to friends with shared interests and values, who understand us because they are similar to us, who work alongside us because they have made the same commitments. It just comes naturally that we gravitate toward persons with whom we have the comfortableness of agreement. That sameness is supplied to marriage by recognizing our common humanity and the fact that we are equally heirs of God’s grace (1 Peter 3:7).
Diversity also unifies a team. In marriage, we cleave to another image bearer who brings to the team what we cannot do. This is most tangibly seen in conception: conception cannot occur without the union of an egg and a sperm. There must be union and interdependence to bring about life. The cellular reality is also played out over a whole lifetime of interdependent union of woman and man. I have written before that our different roles in conception logically reappear in our different biblical roles in child rearing, working and decision-making. It is hard for a team to accomplish anything if every member of the team is in charge and no one is willing to defer to a leader. Concessions and divisions of labor must be made in a unified and productive team. If all the team members are vying for the one role of leader, there will be no team and there will be no productivity.
A healthy marriage is comprised of a celebration of both equality and diversity. Husbands and wives are the closest family members loving each other as they love themselves, encouraging and exhorting one another continually in the common goal of faithfully following God. But they are also celebrating the miracle of bearing and raising children which they can only do by unifying their different gender functions. The fruit of our union – children most notably – is also a cause of unity. Many husbands and wives stay together in rocky times “because of the children.” I believe that is a good thing, though marriages need support to dig a deeper foundation for their unity than just their children. God loves unity. Conversely, He hates divorce, but allows it as a last resort for adultery or abandonment. (See Malachi 2:14-16) We were made in the image of God: we yearn for unity and permanent love – “happily ever after.” The biblical picture suggests to me that lasting unity can only happen when two individuals make concessions to one another both with mutual respect and by taking up different roles. It is not simply the submitter who concedes. As Ruth has written, it is also the head, who takes on a weighty responsibility for the sake of others.
So why continue to write about gender? We both have a passion for writing and teaching on biblical families and the church family. In our culture, ideas about gender are constantly evolving and being reevaluated. Biblical marriage and gender roles are under criticism. Therefore, current writing and teaching about marriage is still needed to meet current doubts and criticisms. Our doubting generation needs to understand what the Bible means by headship and submission so that our marriages can thrive. Our generation needs encouragement to see these ancient ideas as good. This is one important topic among many that integrates our faith in the Scriptures into our real life. We know there are many other topics of great importance. However, healthy marriages are crucial for displaying the beauty of the gospel. The Bible says that healthy marriages show the entire world what Christ’s relationship to the church looks like (Ephesians 5:23). In a good marriage, where love and respect and healthy teamwork are present, children, the church and the world are beneficiaries. We write about this topic because our families, both nuclear and the church, are mnemonics or manifestations of the living God to non-believers. We show that we believe in a good and loving God, so much so that we are willing to obey Him and shape our lives and our marriages according to His truth. Our mutual respect and distinct gender roles within marriage are both part of the great gospel message.